Want the short answer? No, I don't enjoy it, but I do enjoy the quietness that comes with living alone while disabled. Some people think being disabled and drawing on disability is a dream come true. I can't speak for the disabled community, but for me personally it's the worst fate to have as a young person. I face several, painful difficulties on a daily and nightly basis. I'm always exhausted, I'm always weak, my illnesses all affect me and hinder me in different ways, resulting in my inability to function like a healthy person. Everything is chore. The government monitors what I do with my money and decides if I can have more or less and I have no say so about it. Food Stamps, SSI and my disability check are the only income I have. If I start to save money and have too much of it, they can never go into my personal banking or savings accounts. The government won't understand and take my benefits away. It's not fair, but it's how the system works.
I cannot travel far away from my home. I need to be close to my house at all times if possible. Why? Because my body will collapse from exhaustion. The little muscles I have in my body are dead and do not support my global bigger muscles and this means I will collapse under 5-10 seconds of walking, standing, or just trying to move around. Cleaning the houses, cooking meals is not easy and I will eventually have to get an aid. I have a wheelchair and use it when my back is out completely, but until I reach that point, I struggle every day to do the simplest of things. My exhaustion is terrible, even with medications to help me have energy. It doesn't help that I suffer sleep apnea and insomnia either, but that's getting better as of late. Even with those conditions not as active, my body struggles to feel well-rested and rejuvenated. When I'm not slamming away and working long hours for my non-profits, a majority of my time is spent eating, sleeping and drinking some beers. And before anyone rushes to conclusions, no I do not abuse the beer, I am not a drunk, I do not sin with my alcohol.
I know what the Bible says and despite what preachers and the church want to say, I know the origin in its proper context and the Book Of Sircach spoke strongly on herbs of the field and alcohol. The dangerous of it, the benefits of it and the abuse of each substance. Sirach literally tells people to enjoy food and drink, but the sin is when one abuses it and has no control and allows it to control them. It also highlights its medical purposes and drinking for pleasure but to many groups in the church, this is nonsense and is evil---but it's not.
Christ turned water to wine. Why would he do this if it was evil? Christ drank at the Passover. It was not "grape juice" it was fermented wine. Christ drank openly in the public at festivals and was accused of being a drunk and a glutton. He did not deny he was drinking, he told those who accused him that the children will proceed the actions of their mother. Meaning, the children reflect the behavior of their parental figure and in this case, the mother was wise and did not teach her children to do bad. I can drink, I just can't overdo it and I do not do it a lot either.
If someone is going to judge for what I can prove with Bible, I welcome them to try. Drinking and eating food is not sinful. Drunkenness and gluttony is the sin. I find it odd pastors don't talk about those scenes, only the scenes that condemn drunkenness and gluttony. They never explain the differences between the two, but I do and will never encourage anyone to drink-, even if it is for the sake of their stomach like I have done and for pleasure when I eat a hot meal. That life choice is between them and God. What I do, is tell people to read the scripture for themselves, then encourage them to go pray and ask God if they should touch it and know which ones to touch.
Not every drink out there is safe, not every brew is healthy. You have to do research and understand what the drinks on those shelves have in them and what the alcohol proof is. Some people have bad history of alcoholics in their family, some people don't. Either scenario, you need to know your body, what it can handle and if wine or a beer is safe or unwise for you. For me, it is safe and I prayed about which ones to touch. I cannot touch anything but simple, basic, red wine and simple, basic beer. That's it.
Honestly, since I'm forced to be home and no one can see me I just don't care about my appearance. Why should I? It hurts me to shower, it hurts me to do my hair, it hurts me to get dressed, it hurts me to breath. Why should I further stress myself out over what I look like? Who am I trying to impress? No one. Literally, no one. Due to PCOS and an inherited hormonal disease, I do have facial hair. Shaving makes bumps, scratches that scar. Sometimes the bumps burn so I tend to let my goatee grow out when I'm unable to leave the house for weeks, sometimes months. I don't straighten my hair, condition it, shampoo it, or use gel. It's expensive to do that stuff and anyone who reads this who is Black or has similar hair issues like black people do, know exactly what it's like to work with dry, damaged, stubborn hair and invest into products that drain your bank account. Now my armpit hair, I don't care either way. I can shave it, but it causes my skin issues. Armpit hair is something that naturally grows on men and women.
Yahweh put it there. It's not "gross" and it doesn't make me less of a woman because I have it there. Without armpit hair, I sweat harder, for my Ph Balance is equal to that of a male and because of this condition, if I don't have armpit hair, I risk expelling body odors that are quite... repulsive and concerning. The second reason I don't shave, is my dermatologist explained to me what shaving in general does to skin and to the human body. I know things people either choose to ignore for beauty standard or are ignorant of. Once I was told the truth about shaving, I never shaved my legs or armpit hair again.
The only place I'll shave sometimes, is my face where my facial hair grows. Even then, it's rare. I've decided unless I'm meeting someone important, or need to look a certain part professionally I do not worry about my shaving my facial hair off. I do admit during winter, I let it grow out and use winter season as an excuse to break from shaving, then shave it off in the spring. Disability life is hard to adjust to. I use to be fit and active. I use to have muscles, toned muscles and could do whatever I wanted.
Now, I am a shadow of what I use to be. It's emotionally upsetting when I think of what I use to do, how much I enjoyed my strength and muscles and now have nothing to show for it. PCOS, plus not having metabolism that works according to Doctor Samantha Johnson equals weight gain. Did I forget to mention that I have genetics that play part in my weight? Genetics cannot be changed. Diet and habit can, but oh wait! That's right, I'm disabled, can't stand longer than 5 seconds and cannot exert myself because my other condition for my heart is fatal. It will explode at any moment and my kidneys are two points away from failing. Currently as of 2019, when this post was written, my kidneys got better, but my heart remains the same. If I try to lose weight, my body will shut down.
This is the biggest reason why I have a gut. It's not the beer or the diet. My metabolism doesn't work, I lose 98 % of oxygen, which means blood isn't circulating through my organs like it should and without proper oxygen, one cannot work out easily. I don't mind being fat, I have accepted my conditions. This just comes with the territory of being disabled and limited... doesn't mean I'm happy about it. Oh well. Yahweh said we get new bodies when we die. Personally though, I don't mind having a gut. It's the flab and fat tissue that I mind. Earthly body, gloried body, I just want the flab to leave, along with the hinder illnesses that torment my everyday ability to function.
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Blog post written by Artzenin Eklektós